YOUR MOUNTAIN IS WAITING

This morning at 3:50 I jolted from a dream, drenched in sweat, terrified. In my dream a man approached me forecefully, asked me if I had a cross on my forehead, and pushed me down. Somehow Mattie came into the dream and I was trying to defend her. After stabbbing the man in the back, I woke up. I totally credit this craziness to the mushrooms on my pizza last night combined with reading the Iraq chapter of Decision Points. I could not shake it. I could not go back to sleep. I felt afraid. And then I felt sad. Sad and alone.

I remember bad dreams. I remember seeking out my father for protection. I remember needing him as a little girl. Will I be a big enough shield for Betty? It's up to me now. She will come to me with bad dreams, bullies and bruises. It is up to me to find balance. I must guard her. I must protect her. I must be strong for her.

I kept telling myself to think of good things. I thought about the day she was born. I thought about Spearman having virtually ZERO crime. I wondered if the doors were even locked. I thought about the conversation I had at work earlier regarding Catholicism. JG was talking about a retreat he went on recently and the power of prayer. He mentioned several instances in which "he felt a great sense of peace wash over him". Immediately after this statement I thought I FEEL THAT WAY EVERYDAY. I remembered this at 4:25 a.m. and I let the heaviness upon me go.

I've been through a lot in the last year. Above all, I have remained positive. I have felt surrounded with love and have had a sense of peace for a very long time now. I have been embraced by my family and friends and I have felt safe and protected. I am strong. I NEED no one but me. This strength is what I will instill in Betty. She will have bad dreams and feel afraid and get lost. But because of the choices I have made, she will have a sturdy rock to crash upon. Each day I am thankful for the swirling spirit of life I feel all around me. Alive, free, happy, blessed, special, important, kind, unafraid.....ABLE TO MOVE MOUNTAINS.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!