YOUR MOUNTAIN IS WAITING

This morning at 3:50 I jolted from a dream, drenched in sweat, terrified. In my dream a man approached me forecefully, asked me if I had a cross on my forehead, and pushed me down. Somehow Mattie came into the dream and I was trying to defend her. After stabbbing the man in the back, I woke up. I totally credit this craziness to the mushrooms on my pizza last night combined with reading the Iraq chapter of Decision Points. I could not shake it. I could not go back to sleep. I felt afraid. And then I felt sad. Sad and alone.

I remember bad dreams. I remember seeking out my father for protection. I remember needing him as a little girl. Will I be a big enough shield for Betty? It's up to me now. She will come to me with bad dreams, bullies and bruises. It is up to me to find balance. I must guard her. I must protect her. I must be strong for her.

I kept telling myself to think of good things. I thought about the day she was born. I thought about Spearman having virtually ZERO crime. I wondered if the doors were even locked. I thought about the conversation I had at work earlier regarding Catholicism. JG was talking about a retreat he went on recently and the power of prayer. He mentioned several instances in which "he felt a great sense of peace wash over him". Immediately after this statement I thought I FEEL THAT WAY EVERYDAY. I remembered this at 4:25 a.m. and I let the heaviness upon me go.

I've been through a lot in the last year. Above all, I have remained positive. I have felt surrounded with love and have had a sense of peace for a very long time now. I have been embraced by my family and friends and I have felt safe and protected. I am strong. I NEED no one but me. This strength is what I will instill in Betty. She will have bad dreams and feel afraid and get lost. But because of the choices I have made, she will have a sturdy rock to crash upon. Each day I am thankful for the swirling spirit of life I feel all around me. Alive, free, happy, blessed, special, important, kind, unafraid.....ABLE TO MOVE MOUNTAINS.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

THE CIVIL WARS WITHIN OUR SOULS

IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED

So last January we took a family vacation to Mexico and it is safe to say the Tribal Council met afterwards and some peeps got voted off the island. I'm sure the Tecate played a significant role but we just didn't really like each other a whole lot this trip. It is also safe to say one member of Tribal Council (my brother) may have wanted to send another member (yours truly) packing. However, since I'm on the Council I was immune from elimination. At the time things seemed pretty tense (this happens on family vacays, I realize). I think all of us said there will be ice water served in Hell before I go on another vacation with those goonies (I have perfect rationale for this behavior but will save it for another day). Now, as months have passed and I look back through the pics, I feel like it wasn't all bad. Just look at us. We were having a dang good time this day. All in all, it was a good time. That's what family is: tolerance, forgiveness and gettin' on over it. In fact, I feel like it's time for us to pull up our bikini bottoms (over a 6 pack of Tecate of course) and make plans for our next trip to Redemption Island.

I HAVE NO WORDS.......

HOME BEFORE DARK

I was looking for a landowner's phone number in my notebook today and found this. Apparently this notebook has been around for a while. This sweet letter is most definitely from my then 5 to 8 year old sister. I smiled as I thought about her tiny self, brown bobbing ponytail (if it wasn't chopped off) jumping on her bike to go cruising with friends.

I also thought about how gorgeous she looked last night at dinner. Not so little anymore. A grown woman about to graduate from college. Independent, savvy and all adult. I cannot believe how time flies. I cannot believe she will be married pretty soon and have babies of her own.

And then I thought of Betty. It will be just a few short days and she will be hopping on her own pink (of course) bike. She will leave me a note with precious handwriting saying she'll be home before dark. She is the light of my life, my dream come true and a blessing beyond words. I don't write about her that often because....Well, because read my blog. It's not good enough for the greatness of Betty. My thoughts for her are locked away in a journal my mother kept for me. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. As she grows and learns and explores I am constantly reminded what a gift being a parent is. God smiled on me the day she was born. Kindergarten, homework, reading, writing. What an absolute blast I have before me! I am ready. Bring on the bikeriding. She will want me to go with her, right?

YOU TOO BRUTUS?

Soothsayer
Caesar!

CAESAR
Ha! who calls?

CASCA
Bid every noise be still: peace yet again!

CAESAR
Who is it in the press that calls on me?
I hear a tongue, shriller than all the music,
Cry 'Caesar!' Speak; Caesar is turn'd to hear.

Soothsayer
Beware the ides of March.

CAESAR
What man is that?

BRUTUS
A soothsayer bids you beware the ides of March.

CAESAR
Set him before me; let me see his face.

CASSIUS
Fellow, come from the throng; look upon Caesar.

CAESAR
What say'st thou to me now? speak once again.

Soothsayer
Beware the ides of March.

CAESAR
He is a dreamer; let us leave him: pass.

YOU GOT ME BURNIN' UP

Am I so excited because that's who you think it is in the haute white dresses? Or am I so excited because that's Moet in my glass? Wait. Wait for it.

MOVIN' TO THE RES

Go Green 2 from Choctaw Cinema on Vimeo.

HAPPY FAT TUESDAY!

WHAT A DOOOOOOZIEEEEEEEEE

As I was going through old folders on my laptop, I stumbled across this:

March 25, 2010

The Ellen DeGeneres Show
P.O. Box 7788
Burbank, CA 91522


Dearest Ellen,
Last summer my best friend lost her husband and my daughter’s best friend lost her father. I have enclosed an essay I was asked to submit for a “Farm Mom of the Year Contest”. I realize this is a shot in the dark but I believe ordinary people often make this world extraordinary in so many ways. I believe she deserves to come to your show. And now for the gipper, I think John Mayer should be there too. We, these mothers just trying to be the best we can each and every day, are huge fans. I have enclosed a picture of us at a concert in OKC. Did we rock it out? Yes we did. Rebecca has the lyrics to “Pefectly Lonely” printed and posted where she can be reminded by them, be moved by them. I have also enclosed some of my blog (www.embracethegrace.blogspot.com) entries that pertain to this tragedy which has become a futile lesson to us all. You can also check either of us out on Facebook (Grace M. Calvert or Rebecca Stevens Crownover, Dumas , Texas).


Sincerely,

Grace M. Calvert

AND I PROCEEDED TO LAUGH SO HARD I CRIED.

Next I found the essay (not sure if it was ever submitted):

A person’s true character cannot be measured in times of greatness and prosperity. It is in the shadows and on the edge of darkness that your light must shine through.
“I will never truly understand why this happened, but I will not miss out on Christ's blessings because of it." And with those words, the funeral ended. A father was gone and a soul mate lost. A farm suffered and the community reeled. And until Rebecca Crownover emerged from the smoke, everyone was at a loss for what to do. But emerge she did.
Over the past year, I have witnessed a transformation beyond words. I have watched sadness turn into hope and loss turn into love. I have witnessed light.
Rebecca is truly an inspiration. Not once, not ever has she lowered her head. She is a stone pillar and soft pillow to daughter Acie. She is a listener, a hugger and a laugher. She is active in the family farm travelling to meetings across the country and being the essence of a hands-on employee, never afraid to dive in head first. She continuously supports the endeavors of our town by being active on leadership boards and offering abundant assistance to many charitable organizations. And she is a friend…..a true friend. Loving and kind and always happy to lend a hand.
You see we all have a choice. We are all faced with heartache and tragedy. A winding path is put before us each and every day. It is up to us to conquer this path in light or in darkness. It is up to us to carry a torch and light the way so others may follow. This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine. Rebecca has ignited her family, her friends, her employees and our town with contagious luminosity.

AND I JUST PROCEEDED TO CRY.