YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF.....

You are standing in line at Walmart with the following items in your basket:

1 box of Marlboro Lights
2 fly traps
1 30 pack of Bud Light
1 box of very blonde Loreal hair dye

I'm just sayin'.

POTTY TRAINING IS FOR THE BIRDS

Dear Betty,

You tinkled in our bed last night and that ain't cool. I let you watch Sesame Street for approximately 7 minutes before going to Mommy's Beauty Shop and then to bed. In that 7 minutes you managed to dismantle your diaper and take a big ole whiz right in the middle of the bed. If you don't want to wear diapers you must learn to tee tee in the potty. I realize you aren't 2 yet but you are a very smart little girl. I've been trying really hard especially on the days the Farmer's Alamanac indicates will be most successful. I let you run around naked as a jay bird half the time. So far you have tinkled in the chair at the dinner table, pooped outside in the grass and now our bed. Nanny says I used to pee outside standing up like a boy in front of all of her church friends. Interesting.

Love,
Momma

JUST SOME PICS

@#$% CERTAINLY CAN HAPPEN

Um yes, hello. I'll take one On-Star with a side of child locks and six extra spare keys please.

I decided to take B to the pool on Friday so I had to make a stop at Satan's Den aka Wal-Mart for some baby sunscreen goodness. You can only imagine how much sunscreen it takes to keep a Calvert from roasting. THEY ARE PINK BEFORE EVER SEEING THE SUN. As usual, I picked up a bunch of crap I didn't need: a pair of very breakable $5 Faded Glory sunglasses, floaties and a big ass bottle of sunscreen. By the way, it was approximately 83 degrees on Friday here in the Big D. Sooooooo, anyway, I put BB in her car seat making sure to put my wallet, keys and phone in the front seat (NOT ON TOP OF MY CAR). I set the goods in the floorboard, strapped her in and shut the door. I was a split second from opening my door and I heard it lock. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!. I had no idea she could work the locks. #$#@^%&!!!! I didn't really panic at this point. Oh yes, it gets worse. I ran in and some very nice stranger let me use her cell phone. Justin called the locksmith and apparently there was no answer because a few minutes after I returned to the car, the DPD came screeching into the parking lot (later came the EMS). #@$%(@!!!

To make a long embarassing story short, my spare was in the console and Betty had most definitely locked the door. After approximately 17.5 minutes, I lost my cool. I had had enough and I wanted her out NOW!!!! The Sarge wasn't so anxious to bust out my window but I insisted. I was about 50% ok until she started to visibly sweat and then when she cried I began to cry also. And when the ambulances (yes, two) pulled in I almost fainted. Needless to say, there was nothing wrong with her. She most likely had a long time before it was absolutely necessary to bust out the window but I could have cared less. It's amazing. The freak mode mom's are equipped with is present whether you want it to be or not. Everyone is safe and I've certainly learned my lesson: BE PREPARED FOR EVERYTHING!

CHARLES SQUIRREL AND MATILDA ROBIN

Today I am especially thankful for my brother and sister. I'm not real sure how a normal sibling relationship is supposed to work but I consider our's a diamond in the rough. The three of us are very different people. We have different views and opinions and like different kinds of food. Mattie is a beer girl, Charles likes a good ole Salty Dog, and I am definitely a wine person. We have led very different lives and have been away from one another often. Charles lived in Mexico for a while, me in Baltimore and Mattie is in College Station. We have been through a lot. Anything and everything hard has only made us stronger.

Now we talk every single day. Every single day. We talk about happy things in our lives. We call each other when we are down or angry or scared. We talk about BB and all of her amazing accomplishments. We talk about our relationships with other people, recipes and winning the lottery. We spend the night at each other's houses and stay up late laughing or crying or yelling. We listen. We listen. We listen. They are my very best friends and two people I can always count on. They do not judge me and love me for who I am. I cannot imagine my life without them. I feel so incredibly blessed to have their support and friendship. It is one of life's greatest treasures...this thing called unconditional love. And although we are quite different, we are mostly the same.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

I had to go out of town last week for work and Justin was on Betty Duty. This means he was 100% responsible for morning tasks such as feeding and clothing. Mother's Day Out was closed (Thank God, I would later say under my breath) and so Justin met my mom half way and B spent the day at Poppy's house. I picked BB up that afternoon and was totally dismayed at her appearance.

The conversation between Justin and I later that evening:

Me: So what was up with BB's outfit today?
Justin: What do you mean?
Me: Her shirt was a belly shirt. It was in the too small box for a reason. She wore that shirt when she was 18 months old. She's dang near 2.
Justin: (laughing) I thought it was cute.
Me: AAAAAAAND. Her pants didn't match. AAAAAAAND her shoes didn't match.
Justin: (more laughing)
Me: (laughing) And my mom said she had like 10 baby clips all over head in random places.
Justin: You took your brush with you.
Me: There's a couple of combs here.
Justin: Where?
Me: Did you look?
Justin: I couldn't find the brush so I just used my fingers as a comb.
Me: (laughing) So what about all the clips?
Justin: I couldn't get her hair to stay down so I just put water and clips in it.
Me: (under my breath) Thank God Mother's Day Out was closed.